basically what we do is surface the parts of us that are expecting less-than-perfect outcomes from our attachment figures, and give them corrective emotional experiences.
we can do both of these things (the surfacing and the corrective emotional experiencing) in a couple ways.
ideal parent figure protocol
one central technique is called “ideal parent figure protocol” (IPF), which is a meditation/visualization exercise in which one imagines being a child with a different set of parents than our actual parents. and these ideal parents have basically infinite capacity for us, moreso than any actual human being could.
they’re perfectly safe and will always protect us. they’re completely attuned to us, sensing what’s going on inside us and curious to learn more about our experience. they know exactly how to comfort and soothe us. they delight in the simple fact of our existence, without us having to do or be anything. and they are a secure base from which we can explore ourselves and the world around us.
in a session, i might guide someone in this practice, giving cues, troubleshooting difficulties that arise, customizing the practice to a person’s specific experience, and simply helping hold the container of the exercise.
often times, simply imagining receiving these qualities from ideal parents brings up a lot of our attachment wounding. we might implicitly distrust or be afraid of our imagined ideal parents for example, and then we get to see how completely skillfully they allow us to be just as we are - giving us as much space as we need without abandoning us, understanding our fear completely and not taking it personally, etc. this gives our attachment system a new data point - “oh, maybe it’s ok to have this authentic reaction! it doesn’t mean i’ll be attacked or abandoned.”
attachment alchemy
IPF is a whole technique in itself, but i’ve also found for my own journey and learned from my teachers that it can be really helpful to surface the emotional material and have the corrective experience from not just an imagined being, but a living breathing person. in this way of working, the coach is themself basically providing many of the qualities of the ideal parents.
the nice thing is that as adults, we can practice going into that frame of relating without actually getting confused that this is a practice/healing container - a role the coach is filling for this period of time. much of what i’ve learned about how to do this comes from chloe good’s method, which she calls “attachment alchemy.”
here, the guide (coach) holds space for and helps the explorer (client) feel into either whatever material is present for them there in the moment, or a particular trailhead that the explorer wants to examine. if the explorer already knows how to surface their own material, the main thing the guide is providing is just attuned and caring attention, which already makes a big difference. but often times it can be difficult to access our own material, so a skilled guide can give useful prompting to help surface whatever parts are wanting attention.
at this stage it can often also look like parts work - for example, working with protectors that are ashamed or angry, validating that it’s ok for them to feel this way.
when the initial emotions around a topic have been surfaced and the client can feel to some degree that those emotions are welcome, they’re ok, then the question usually is “is there something early about this? does it remind me of something or someone?” and often a memory, or even just a felt sense of something young, will arise, and we get to bring the corrective emotional experience to that young place in us where the pattern first formed.
there’s some various other skills and techniques that go into this attachment alchemy way of working too - physical things like pushing or pulling on a stick or the desk or a wall, really taps into primal stuff in the body (”i want you!” or “i don’t want you!”). embodied anger expression can be so helpful too, like being witnessed in pummeling a pillow, letting out screams, or again pushing on a wall, or wringing out a rag.
it can also be really wonderful to practice speaking directly FROM a part. so rather than “i have a part that’s afraid,” we actually allow that young part to have our voice, and say something like “i’m scared you’ll leave me,” or “what if you get mad at me,” etc. it can also be great to ask the guide for a specific thing the part wants to hear, like “tell me you don’t need me to take care of you,” or “can you tell me you won’t go away if i’m sad?” and then to hear the guide fulfilling that request. often times our young parts need to hear something like that several times to start to believe it.
and attachment alchemy also includes IPF. we can have the guide there holding the ideal parent qualities as well as the imaginal ideal parents present to support the explorer. it’s a fluid practice of feeling into how best to support someone’s process of being resourced enough to surface and transform the old patterns.
customizing the container
ultimately, what i’ve found both as a client and as a coach myself is that every relationship of two people in those roles looks a little different. and especially over time, the coach and client learn how best to work together, for the benefit of the client.
over time, we get enough repetitions of corrective emotional experiences on deep enough patterns that we can start to see the world differently than before.
what do we stand to gain from practicing attachment healing?
chloe good describes 5 vectors of moving from insecure to secure attachment that this work helps facilitate.
1) shutdown -> expression
there’s all kinds of ways we tend to learn it’s not safe to allow our authentic expression of ideas and emotions to come out into the open. this practice helps us see we can actually show and express what’s really going on for us.
2) isolation -> relational support
isolation is the classic avoidant pattern of “i have to be completely independent and self sufficient.” learning to trust that we can take in support from our relationships brings us much more resource in life, and also makes our relationships much closer.
3) nourishment barrier -> able to receive nourishment
it’s common that we learned to put up barriers to receiving physical, emotional, conceptual, and energetic nourishment from those close to us. this might be because it wasn’t safe to do so, or we couldn’t rely on nourishment always being there and wanted to avoid disappointment. we can still protect ourselves when needed, but being able to receive nourishment from others also helps us be more resourced in our lives, and have closer relationships.
4) blended -> unblended with parts
this is more or less the same as what IFS means by saying we become “Self-led.” it means that when we have thoughts or emotions arise that are coming from a triggered or contracted place, we are able to see them clearly and hold them in the wisdom and compassion of our own inner wise adult, rather than completely believing their stories.
5) collapse -> internal structure
collapse is related to anxious attachment. it’s when we can’t hold ourselves, and fall into the view that we need someone else to fix or save or validate us. internal structure helps us stay unblended with parts, it provides a place for us to actually receive nourishment from others when available, and it allows us to give ourselves our own nourishment as much as possible.
the plug 😁
of course i have to share here that i offer attachment coaching!
attachment healing work is one of the three main ways i work with people, along with meditation and dharma coaching, and parts work via core transformation. to learn more about this, see my previous substack post.
may all beings be well! and may all human nervous systems have secure attachment if that's what they want!
I like how clearly you describe the actual experience of the work, not just the theory around it. The way you explain giving the attachment system new data points makes the process feel very concrete and lived-in. It’s helpful to see how imagination, embodiment, and real relational contact all work together here. This feels especially useful for people who understand attachment intellectually but want to know what healing actually looks like in practice.