wandering, wondering

dillying, dallying

ok we’re gonna do a bit of stream of consciousness unplanned ‘stacking here

my oh my

hello, little spider on my window

around 10 months ago i wrote my first substack from the road, an entry i called “what am i doing (also ‘why,’ would be nice to know)”, and i’m feeling a similar energy now as then

i’m nearing the end of a 10-day stay at a cabin in the middle of the woods in rural missouri. there’s an a pond here, also a pool. a lotta trees. a lotta spiders. at least one cockroach.

my host is a man named bill who has a really kind energy. he lives in the big house not far from here, and rents out this place on airbnb. (i was so in need of alone time i was gonna just fully shell out to rent the place, and/but then several generous friends on twitter offered to give me money to support this little retreat. thank you.) so anyway bill - he has this long white hair pulled back in a ponytail. his balding pattern is like mine but i think his hair looks awesome, which kind of gives me hope

we’ll see how i view this cabin time from the future, looking back, but right now it feels like a deep breath, a landmark in time, a division from last year to next year.

i don’t remember if i would have articulated this in the same way before my trip began, but over time time some core themes did emerge this past year as questions i was trying to answer.

• what personal practices or traditions feel most like “mine,” that i want to focus on?

• what is my calling? what outward facing work do i want to do? how can i find my way to expressing to god how grateful i am to be alive, and how much i care for all creation?

• what kind of community do i want to live in? what specific community do i want to live in?

• how can i sustain myself?

• how do i find the girl i’m looking for? how do i become the person she’s looking for (which is to say, how do i become fully myself)?

and we’ve made progress on all these fronts. none of them are fully answered. i could be barking up the wrong tree in this area or that area, but i am at least in the arena trying stuff.

i’ve been in a funk lately, for like, a few weeks it feels like. i’m not totally sure what it’s about, or what conditions caused it to arise exactly, although i have some theories. i feel kinda grumpy. i’m not sure i like myself. i’m not sure if i’m doing anything worthwhile. i’m kinda tired of traveling but i don’t want to stop anywhere. my life is overflowing with truly extraordinary friends who sometimes all kinda feel on the second tier of closeness to me — who is in my closest circle? how do i commit?

i hoped that by giving myself 10 glorious days alone i would Get To The Bottom Of This, but here on day 9 it’s looking like we’re not quite getting there. maybe if i full on had a mushroom trip or something things would clear up, but i still haven’t felt like taking one of those medicines in a while. i’m processing as god damn fast as i can, which turns out to be bit slower than some rocket ships i’ve boarded in the past. khanti parami

i’ve been enjoying the hell outta some star trek TNG lately. that feels relevant to include and i’m trusting the impulse

it’s gonna be a whirlwind, next. i have like 6 festivals and/or retreats in the next few months. god i’m fortunate. i’m really, really, really looking forward to each of them.

ok hold up time for a fashion show - i got two articles of clothing recently that i love. i have been on a mission for months to find things that look good (and sufficiently masculine) while also putting *zero* pressure on my waist, because i’ve learned that the more relaxed my low belly can be, the easier it is for me to show up authentically as myself. this is my pet theory for why monks wear robes and not pants

i’m not going backward, and the thing about traveling is there is no sitting still, so i’ll trust the remaining option which is continuing to go forward. i am genuinely excited that i was able to help people through teaching an 8-week introductory meditation course, and there are some people continuing to check in with me for meditation support. (if you wish to call me for this reason, you may book me here!) in july/august i might work on getting a personal website set up, and i’ll probably teach the meditation fundamentals class again in october/november (if you want to be notified when i announce it, dm me on twitter or write to me at danielbrottman@gmail.com)

i am praying this attachment healing work i am investing so much energy in will pay off - for my friendships, for my romantic relationships, for my work, for my deepening awakening. this kind of practice seems to touch my deepest and most fundamental pain, like gentle sunlight suffusing a harsh screaming ice. i’m getting individual support from amanda ngo and now jessica morey as well, and soon will be in programs led by heidi priebe and chloe good.

my medicine practice is also continuing, now with support from john gorman and the online sangha he is gathering together. john wrote a book recently about using 5meo-dmt to aid in the unburdening of parts a la internal family systems (IFS) and the recognizing of the nature of mind, abiding non-dual awareness, a la dzogchen.

early morning at grand tetons national park, WY

testimonials

lastly for now i want to share some of the testimonials that participants from my class offered. i feel happy and grateful when i read these

I have been struggling with getting into meditation for over 20 years. Other experienced meditators I've spoken with told me to either just keep trying or that maybe meditation just wasn't for me. But Daniel has been patient and encouraging every step of the way. He really listens and responds from the heart. His gentle approach has given me the confidence to finally figure out what actually works for me, coming from a newly informed foundation of the different techniques that are out there already. This class has been a true turning point in my spiritual journey.

— Mary Zoso

Daniel guided us through exploring a variety of techniques with warmth and humor. His genuine kindness created an atmosphere where I felt comfortable sharing about my practice without fear of judgment. In our 1:1 sessions, he helped me discover how to adapt different approaches for my own needs. His authentic, friendly guidance helped me develop a sustainable meditation practice. I continue to learn from his example of kindness and generosity.

—Alex Heller

Daniel has an incredible way of communicating ideas in a down to earth and heart warming way. He also oozes loving kindness in every meeting you have with him. There is always a sense of earnestness and passion laced with his actions that come in teaching meditation. What a lovely teacher!

— Vijay

I thought the class was great; I really appreciate how eager and open to feedback you were, I think you clearly have the prerequisite knowledge and experience, and as a first “meditation group class” experience for me I think I got a lot out of it!

— Jay

Daniel is thoughtful and attentive and guided me to question my approach to my meditation practice in general in a very good way. The resources and support he provided were well worth the suggested fee

— Eddie

Daniel's meditation class was a joy to attend, and really opened up my practice! I'm more experimental, and through his class, my practice has become significantly more easeful and fun.

— Katy Kelly

Daniel held the space with such kindness and presence. I felt very welcome and was looking forward to my class every weekend. The group's energy was lovely. I especially appreciated the WhatsApp group where we all shared our practice updates. Reading updates from others about their daily practice nudged me to sit down and meditate. All the recorded Zoom classes, reading materials and meditation resources were uploaded online in a structured way. It’s been so helpful to go back and revisit the teachings at my own pace. Daniel was so sincere and warm. It was a beautiful thing to be a part of something that is just getting started and already so meaningful. Thank you for everything.

— Niki

thanks for following and keeping up with me on this journey. i find it really helpful to have this blog to reflect and share in. may you be happy and well <3

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i offer donation-based support for meditation practice! please feel welcome to book a call with me via savvycal

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if you wish to financially support my life and efforts, i gratefully invite you to contribute via my patreon account