ending the inner critic
notes from a talk by rob burbea. and an excuse for me to journal
a non-exhaustive list of judgements i’ve noticed arise in my mind:
not practicing enough
not practicing well enough
not trying hard enough
not knowing enough
not smart enough
too horny
too judgemental (lol)
too insecurely attached
selfish
don’t know how to love
never gonna wake up
too fixated on waking up
never gonna find the relationship
sucks at concentration practice
sucks at metta practice
bad at deep friendships
greedy
kind of a loser
egotistical
too old to not have your shit figured out
again, just, unforgivably horny
self-obsessed
unprincipled
hopeless
just fucking bad! not good enough! fuck!
so… ouch. oof. i thought this would be a cute way to open into sharing my notes from this rob burbea talk but now i think i need a cry hahahahaha
i don’t want to believe these things. but the habit of believing some of them runs pretty deep. they don’t usually dominate the surface of my consciousness, it’s not too often i’m really depressed and lost in believing one of them wholeheartedly. but they do bubble up from the depths here and there. kind of a lot, actually! and they hurt, which i often don’t notice
the one that hurts the most is “just fucking bad, not good enough,” which is interesting because it’s very nonspecific. it’s an agglomeration of a bunch of different judgements, like a second-order conclusion. as if a part is saying “hmm what’s the simplest explanation for why i’m so X and not enough Y and so bad at Z? ah i know! i’m just altogether terrible!”
so anyway i noticed recently how tiring this all is and how it makes progress in my endeavors a lot harder than it needs to be, and remembered there’s a short series of talks from rob burbea called “ending the inner critic” that i listened to a few years ago. so i listened to them again.
hearing rob’s ideas helped me appreciate that this is all part of a larger pattern, and that i can actually turn towards this pattern as a main focus of practice. since turning my attention in this direction in the last few days, i’ve noticed how often some flavor of self-judgement arises, how it hurts way more than i realized, and how it’s way more draining than i realized. i’ve also noticed how my habitual reaction to these instances is to ignore them, not to bring any curiosity to them, to move on with whatever i’m doing but essentially leave them unchallenged
rob is adamant that it is possible not just to attenuate this pattern or learn to live with it, but actually to end it altogether. it helps to hear this from a teacher i trust.
to help me put his advice into practice, i consulted the miracle website full of rob burbea transcripts to review the talks and synthesize them into a couple of pages of notes. thought u might like
key points from ENDING THE INNER CRITIC by rob burbea
nature of the inner critic
self-judging, aversive, with contempt
a habitual thought pattern and a habitual belief in those thoughts
assumptions that "only i have the inner critic" or that "everyone has the inner critic" are both wrong and lead to a sense of despair
it's possible to not just soften or learn to live with the inner critic, but actually to end it altogether
the inner critic is a very common phenomenon in the west, but is not so in all cultures. the buddha doesn't even really talk about it at all
impact of the inner critic
"should" comes into our practice (and life), which can shut down the practice and take the joy out of it
the "should" inhibits our ability to ask deep questions. we stop at judging that something shouldn't be happening, instead of accepting that it is happening and getting curious
e.g. we judge dukkha as "shouldn't be" (not accepting first noble truth) and then can't ask"what causes it?" (second noble truth)
the "inner rebel" can arise in response to the inner critic, which can be counterproductive. (the inner rebel is also the manifestation of a healthy energy, however)
the inner critic squashes our capacity for creative self-expression and genuine intimacy with others
how to practice when the inner critic is activated
1) metta practice
practice metta to introduce a different thought pattern than that of the critic
practice metta for others as well as for oneself
"when i give lovingkindness to others, it cannot help but bathe me"
2) mindfulness and kindness
emphasize the quality of kindness in mindfulness
greet the inner critic with kindness and spaciousness when it arises, rather than pushing it away. there can always be more space in the heart than the inner critic can take up
feel the emotional pain in the body of the judgement with tenderness, compassion, and caring. or even just ask the question "can there be compassion here?" surround the pain with this warmth
3) mindfulness and investigation
kindness is a precondition for investigation
look for what emotions are under the surface of the judgement. rage? fear?
see the sub-parts: emotion, body sensation, words, tone of voice. choose one factor at a time and stay with it for a while before choosing another one
see that i am constructing the inner critic out of these parts, in the present, each time it arises, despite its historical causes
4) questioning the inner critic
dialoguing in this way can slow the inner critic down. this can sometimes be possible even before the mindfulness is strong
ask "am i believing the inner critic?" allow there to be doubt in the views of the inner critic
ask "what specifically am i believing?" that i'm bad, evil, stupid, or broken? that i won't get anything done without this criticism to motivate me?
ask "is this giving me anything?" a sense of familiarity? a sense of identity? assuaging fear?
ask "what is it exactly that's being judged?"
ask "if i achieved X, would you be satisfied?" and then wait. it may say "yes" at first, but it's probably lying
look if the answer to any of these questions is present again in future instances of the inner critic
5) reclaim our sense of power
when the inner critic is strong we feel like we have no power. reclaiming our sense of power has to be felt in the body
find a sense of setting boundaries, saying "no, this is not ok," perhaps by harnessing the inner rebel
practice opening the heart and embracing the critic (as in #2). it may be that it was through the struggle that the power was given away. [editor: e.g. "i won't let your attacks close my heart"]
use the thinking mind to ask questions and interrogate (as in #4)
how to practice when the inner critic is not strongly activated
1) seeing one's own goodness and beauty
practice seeing one's intention to live ethically, to cultivate kindness and goodness
receive the love of others. allow another to deeply see and name your goodness
2) sensing one's deepest aspiration
get in touch with that which one cares most about, in an embodied way, e.g. "i want to live in service to love." a strong inner critic makes it harder to get in touch with this, but the inner critic also has no power in relationship to the deepest care, when it is felt
3) undermining the self-view
practice viewing situations with an understanding of dependent origination, that all things are due to conditions, not the self
4) break the habit of automatically believing thoughts
a meditation practice for this:
feel the entire field of body sensations, arising, changing, passing, etc
when settled in that, open up to the totality of sounds
thoughts will appear and disappear just as sounds and body sensations do
closing thoughts
these lists are not comprehensive [editor: and everyone may not need to practice each item]
for some people the inner critic actually can be fully seen through and vanish overnight, but for others it is more gradual
inner critic cheat sheet
stuck in an inner critic storm?
1) practice metta for self and others
2) relate to the emotional pain with mindfulness and compassion
3) kindly sense into the component parts of the experience, one at a time
4) get curious about the specific logic and views of the inner critic, and how you're relating to them
5) get in touch with an embodied sense of reclaiming your power and agency (as opposed to being at the mercy of the inner critic)
want to practice with this even when the inner critic is not overtly active?
1) reflect on the beauty of your own goodness
2) sense into your deepest aspiration
3) practice undermining the self-view by seeing in terms of dependent arising
4) practice breaking the habit of automatically believing thoughts
the end?
WAIT
thought you might like to know that i’m also:
very funny
clever
have a great laugh
attractive
kind
good with kids
love reading
an artistic tweeter
rather musically talented, actually
deeply devoted to the good
a good writer, sometimes
smarter than your average bear
deeply devoted to honesty
a pretty good teacher
an artist
adventurous
a lover of the meta-skill of learning
alive to the incredible mystery of being
good at making friends
own up to my mistakes whenever possible
very curious
just like? generally? good at a lot of things?
a fantastic cuddler
deeply caring
couragous
a good listener
deeply devoted to authenticity
determined, willing to go all-in
psychotechnology explorer
pretty emotionally intelligent
love helping others
you forgot that you are also a v good reply guy
great post, ty friend
So wonderful🤍 miss you!